Who Would I Be?

11:21 PM


For the last 2 years, I have spent the last week of April and the first week of May in the hospital.

In 2014, I was in the hospital trying to save the life of my unborn 22-week baby. My cervix was too weak to hold her. My doctor was frantically trying to get two different NICU hospitals to accept me. They both refused, as my baby was not considered viable outside the womb if she was born. 24 weeks gestation is the magic number in New York. Inevitably, our angel Taylor was born May 04, 2014 at 4:21 p.m. I was thankful that I was completely medicated! I was able to experience the whole birthing process while being emotionally numb. For I thought I would never have this experience again. The nursing staff performed the “normal” routine. The difference was an added phone call to the local funeral home and a memento box given to us. They had taken Taylor from our room as all babies are for the initial checkup. When they brought Taylor back to us she was wrapped in a beautiful gown and matching blanket that some unknown caring person made. After some time our precious daughter was placed in the hands of the funeral director who promised to take very good care of her. Members of our church came and prayed with us and flowers were delivered, kind words were spoken but I was numb.

As the night closed in a shrill cry of new life echoed into my room. As my nurse rushed in my room to close my door to shield me from the sounds, I asked if it was a boy or girl. Sheepishly she answered “girl”. I asked “healthy?” She nodded as she slowly closed the door. I got up from my bed and reopened the door. I wanted to hear that baby cry, I wanted to hear the miraculous sounds of new life! I was relieved that this new mother did not have to endure the pain of having to make arrangements to bury her baby on Mother’s Day. I later walked the halls trying to get a glimpse of the baby but once again, the staff had placed a shield before me by closing the blinds to the nursery.

Later that night I could not sleep starring at the flowers I had to do something. I got up and took the arrangements apart and made a new one. I got paper from the staff and wrote a letter to the new mom. I told her to never forget what a precious gift she received tonight and a few other words of congratulations. I asked my disbelieving nurse to give them to the new mom. She could not understand how in my time of pain I was trying to share happiness with another. I finally had a God given peace over me and was able to sleep. I was later told that the mom was alone and needed the words of encouragement.

Last year I spent the same time-frame in another hospital. I was trying to keep my rainbow baby (baby born after a loss) Skyler inside me. This time I was 26 weeks along. I was getting steroids to strengthen her lungs in case she came early. Even with my cervix sewn closed, it was a very real possibility. I was right next door to the NICU this time. My Miracle baby was born at 38 weeks and healthy. She ripped from inside me fast and unmediated. I was in a lot of pain with 32 stitches afterwards. As my husband, likes to say it took us 15 years to get back together, 5 years of our struggles and endured 13 losses to finally have our miracle baby!

This year I will “celebrate” one child’s 2nd angelversary while I hold another in my arms with another’s hand in mine (stepson). The loss of a child is never lessened by the birth of another. If anything it intensifies Taylor’s presence all around me. As I watch my children play I constantly wonder what would my angel look like, what amazing things would she be doing? I also grieve not just her loss but the loss of the experiences of and with her. I wonder daily what my life would be like if I had Taylor, Skyler’s lost twin, Skyler, My stepsons and all 11 of my lost pregnancies. How different would my life be? How different would I be? Who would I be?
 Warm Wishes to You and Yours


Deb
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35 comments

  1. Oh my goodness, I am so so sorry for your loses and so happy for your Skylers life. I'm sorry but I'm lost for words. I cannot imagine any of what you have gone through but you are so very brave for writing this post and sharing with other people what some of your life story is. I'm amazed by your strength. Thoughts and love go out to you.

    mainy

    #KCACOLS

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  2. I am so sorry for your loss I can't imagine how you must be feeling around this time you sound like a very strong lady. Happy birthday to your miracle baby too #kcacols

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  3. This is such a powerful piece. I am so sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing your story so that those who experience such loss know they are not alone. Thanks for linking with #KCACOLS. I hope you can come back next Sunday.

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    1. Npobody is ever alone in their struggles!

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  4. This is such a powerful piece. I am so sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing your story so that those who experience such loss know they are not alone. Thanks for linking with #KCACOLS. I hope you can come back next Sunday.

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  5. I am so sorry for your loss but thank you so much for sharing your story #kcacols

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  6. Such a beautiful but hard piece to write. Such a caring person to reach out to that new Mum like that. I imagine she will never forget that moment amongst the turmoil of being a new Mum. Thank you for bringing this to #abrandnewday x

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    1. I do hope she found a piece of strength.

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  7. Oh Deb, I cannot imagine the strength it must've taken to write such a beautifully heart-wrenching piece. I truly am so sorry for you losses, every single one of them. I hope you are able to find comfort and peace during this difficult time of remember Taylor. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story x #KCACOLS

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    1. I find it strangely therapeutic to write of Taylor. Like her memory will not be lost.

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  8. Oh this was so hard to read and I'm so sorry for your losses but just so happy for you that you now have Skyler - just enjoy, enjoy, enjoy my lovely #familyfun

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    1. I enjoy every tiring and loving moment with Skyler.

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  9. This is just heartbreaking. I think it is absolutely remarkable that you found the strength to be able to congratulate and offer support to a new mother at this time when your heart was obviously broken. You are amazing. TY for linking up such a powerful post to #FamilyFun 🎉

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    1. I find it easier to focus on others at times than myself. I don't have to register what I am dealing with.

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  10. I am very sorry for your loss. I now have my rainbow as well fter 3 miscarriages. She means the world to us, as I'm sure Skyler is to you. You never forget xx

    Thanks for linking up with #puddinglove hon xx

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  11. You sound like an incredibly strong woman, I was a very early baby, born 2 1/2 months prem which was a lot 28 years ago.. and I always remember my mum telling me I was the only baby that lived out of a ward of 9. So I am always grateful. I am so happy that you have your memories, your kindness and your miracle baby x #abrandnewday

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    1. A story like that must make you feel like you are strong enough to overcome all hurdles!

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  12. I'm just calling back in from #familyfun. I'm still super proud of you x

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  13. You are such a strong woman and I honestly hope that you get what you deserve in life. I hope you get happiness out of it and I hope you'll get to meet your babies in another life. It's beautiful that you share so much - something I find so hard to do. x

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    1. Sharing is my medicine! I will be very blessed when I get to heaven!

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  14. I'm sorry.

    Your strength and compassion showed to others at one of the worst times of your life is inspiring. I hope that the new mother appreciated your gesture.

    As for your last paragraph: I locked the door on those questions. It was just too dangerous to even contemplate.


    #StayClassy

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    1. My dear "brother"I do understand what you mean by locking the door. There are times I must put the key away in a place I cannot find. However there are days when The door simply opens a crack and out flows beautiful possibilities that make my heart soar.

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  15. Oh no I'm so sorry for all your losses. I can't imagine how hard this must have been for you!! It is really sad. But I'm happy to hear that you have now Skyler. You seem to me like a very strong and brave woman. I'm sure this was not easy to write but I hope letting it all out helped you with the healing process. Thanks so much for sharing your story at #KCACOLS. It would be nice to see you again tomorrow, x

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    1. I find sharing Taylor's story heals the wounds unseen. I also remember little details I had not before

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  16. Wow. You are amazing for staying so positive in such an intense situation. This must have been very hard to write so thank you for sharing with us. You seem like such a strong person. Thanks again for linking with #StayClassy

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  17. What a beautiful thing to do at a time when your loss was so raw. I hold my hands out to you, brave brave lady. I am sorry for each one of your lost Angels, and so pleased you were blessed with Skyler - I hope you she helps to brighten your Mother's Day xx #PuddingLove

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  18. This truly beautiful post has moved me to tears. I am so sorry for your losses and in awe of your kindness and strength. Thank you for sharing this. #StayClassy

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