For the next 30 days I will be posting about a different topic of the 30 Days Blogging Challenge list.
I came across this fun looking challenge at fortheloveto .

I am now inviting you my fellow bloggers to join in with the fun. Please remember to tag me on Twitter so I can read your wonderful posts and I will reshare for you.


Today's Challenge: A habit you wish you didn't have

I wish I did not have the habit of instantly thinking negative of myself. I can think positive about every situation and person but when it comes to myself I don't. I believe this comes from the way I was raised.

Let me begin by saying my parents were great parents. They were involved in school activities so much that they chaperoned dances, coached my softball team, followed me to every winterguard competition around the state. They were my friends "parents" too. They gave what they had and then sum so my brother and I had what we needed and somethings we really didn't.

However on the negative side my parent were hard on me. They expected good grades, good manners etc. this was not unreasonable. The unreasonable part was the way I was talked to at times.

A little background on my dad. He came from a home of a rough man. He was in a boys home by age eight and the oldest of 10 he had impossible requirements put on his shoulders. He was sent to the Military as an alternative to jail. I believe all of this combines with what he dealt with in Vietnam really hardened my dad in certain areas of himself. He came home and instantly got married and married and married. He would have lapses of alcoholism which he had desperately tried to over come with treatment and A.A. None of these worked. In the end my mom gave into just dealing with these bouts of binge drinking until they were over and my dad returned to the supportive and loving man we loved. However during the times of binge drinking he was not a person one wanted to be around,

During the binge times he was verbally mean, sometimes physically mean where my mom stood between him and us kids to protect us. he was unpredictable and unsafe to himself. But inside this man was our loving father struggling to get back out. During these times are when I was never good enough. All As  where not A+s on a report card and I would be grounded until the next report card came out. I was accused of doing horrible things that I was not. Thankfully my dad never physically harmed me but the verbal abuse did its damage.

At the end of my dad's life he was diagnosed with cancer. He was told he had 6 months to live....he made it a year. He was not allowed to drink, ironically his body physically rejected the one thing he used to drown his sorrows with. My dad was the fun loving, long talk and listening father we always loved. My mom promised to stay with him until the end which she faithfully did. In those last days we saw a man we all knew was in there but his demons had overshadowed for so many years. Those demons left impressions on our souls that make us who we are today!

Me I am self judging to an extent that I do not think what I do has value or standing.

                                                     


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