My first Mother’s Day was not filled with presents, balloons or even flowers or special meals. No my first Mother’s day was not as the commercials show. My first Mother’s Day began with my husband wishing me my first Happy Mother’s Day. We spent the day at home relaxing and just enjoying a day of ease.

I have been a mother for over 16 years so how can this be my first Mother’s Day? It was the first Mother’s Day that I had a child of my own that I carried and birthed.

I have technically been a mother since 2000 when I was a scared pregnant senior in high school. I lost that precious little boy (Dylan) in a tragic set of events that could have been prevented if I had not been set on a midwife and doing things “Naturally”. I have been a mother 13 other times that ended in losses of precious little lives. You see I have Autoimmune Disease, which makes my body attack the fetus’ thinking they are a negative foreign body. I also have a cervix that is super thin and has difficulty carrying the weight of a baby. For 16 years, specialists told me that I would never be a mother naturally.

Through the years, I became a Foster parent raising a child from six months to six years before being returned to his mom. I helped raise stepchildren; I went through the hopes of adoption just to be squashed. I tried In Vitro Fertilization, I tried for surrogacy and finally I resigned myself to believing I would never be a birth mother. The final straw was when I was diagnosed with Heavy Metals Poisoning. I became wheelchair dependent and acquired a new set of disabilities.

My husband and I got back together in 2010 after dating in high school. I had told him that we would never have children if this were what he was looking for he needed to move on. His exact words were “If we are meant to have children God will provide.” He has two sons which I whole heartedly became stepmom to. We experienced two miscarriages during the beginning of our relationship. I decided I need to have my tubes tied because I was never going to carry a pregnancy and birth control or no birth control I was getting pregnant.

My insurance refused me the tubal ligation and I became pregnant with our daughter Taylor in October 2013. I kept up with all my appointments and fearfully went through the motions of a pregnant woman. I thought my body was finally going to allow me to have a baby. On May 04, 2014 after a week in the hospital, the struggle of keeping her safe in my womb was over. Taylor was born to us to give back to heaven. We buried that beautiful angel on Mother’s Day. My doctor had pressed my insurance for the tubal ligation. During my pre-operation screening, I was told I was pregnant again.

After a lot of conversation between the doctor, my husband and me, we decided to try to go through this pregnancy with more medical intervention. At seven weeks, we were told we were having twins. At nine weeks after experiencing some bleeding, we were told we lost one of the twins. I was placed on bed-rest, and then had a surgery to sew my cervix closed, weekly doctor visits and monitoring. Then I was hospitalized for two weeks for steroid shots to mature my baby’s lungs as she was trying to come early. She was finally born at 38 weeks. She was monitored for diabetes and cleared to be healthy, healthy, and healthy. Did I say she was healthy!

Mother’s Day to me has always been a day of loss and despair. Mother’s Day to me now is bittersweet. As I have always been a mother to angels and children of others. This year was my first Mother’s Day with a living flesh and blood birthed by me child. Do not think for one minute that I did not or do not love those children that have been in my care just as my own. However, there is nothing compared to the experience of carrying that bouncing soul and delivering her into your life.

This year was my first Happyish Mother’s Day and for all that I have endured to get here I will never take for granted this privilege! Yes, Motherhood is a privilege not a right! However, that is a total new rant and post for another time.

                                                     



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My Angel Taylor

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This year I will “celebrate” one child’s 2^nd angelversary while I hold another in my arms with another’s hand in mine (stepson). The loss of a child is never lessened by the birth of another. If anything it intensifies Taylor’s presence all around me. As I watch my children play I constantly wonder what would my angel look like, what amazing things would she be doing? I also grieve not just her loss but the loss of the experiences of and with her. I wonder daily what my life would be like if I had Taylor, Skyler’s lost twin, Skyler, My stepsons and all 11 of my lost pregnancies. How different would my life be? How different would I be? Who would I be?
                                                     

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